


Some Nights Are Worse Than Others

by Elle_1001x



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Comfort, Crying Killua Zoldyck, Fluff and Angst, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I wrote this while listening to Mitski, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, It’s actually quite fluffy, Panic Attacks, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Swearing, They’re like 14 in this, and bad times, but we can ignore those, dont worry, gon and killua being idiots, gon freecs is a good friend, just good times, never enough tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-16 12:00:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28956108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elle_1001x/pseuds/Elle_1001x
Summary: Everyone has bad nights sometimes right? As long as they have that special person they can make it through them.OrKillua had a bad night and Gon is there to help. Basically just a bunch of angst and fluff I wrote this in one night at like 6 am instead of sleeping :)
Kudos: 19





	Some Nights Are Worse Than Others

**Author's Note:**

> Ok I hope you enjoy. I’m wiring this instead of working on my existing story 
> 
> TW- self harm, self deprecating thoughts, panic attacks, suicidal thoughts kind of?
> 
> I think that’s all I hope you enjoy !!

Killua struggled against his bedsheets. He was trapped and he couldn’t escape. They were binding him here. He  _ needed  _ to be free of them. He  _ needed  _ to get away and be safe. He desperately attempted to free himself from the confines of his heavy blankets. Eventually, he grew too exhausted to keep fighting and laid back in bed, slightly gasping for air. As he calmed, he realized he had been being irrational. He was scared of  _ blankets.  _

Now that he was more aware, he could untuck the blankets and manage to sit up properly in bed again. Another nightmare. He had been having them almost every day the past month. It was physically and mentally exhausting. He had so much extra adrenaline he didn’t know what to do with, making his skin crawl and his anxiety spike dangerously.

Why couldn’t he just function like a normal human being? He had always been like this and it was never going to get better. He was so broken and it wasn’t something that he could fix. What’s the point if you’re only living for the sake of staying alive? Why would anyone want to be around him when he was so broken? Why would Gon want him? Why would Gon want someone who only caused problems? Why would Gon want someone who can’t even exist properly?

His breathing quickly sped up. It was proof of his weakness. Everyone had always told him he was weak and they were right. What kind of person can’t breathe from only thinking? Who would want to deal with someone like him? 

He grew a bit dizzy from the lack of oxygen entering his lungs. He probably deserved this in one way or another. Maybe this was the universe’s way of showing him how weak he really was. His family, Illumi maybe they were all right. Tears streamed down his face silently as he gasped for air. He must look so fucking pathetic right now. If he wasn’t currently fighting with his own body, he would laugh at his silliness. Getting so upset over nothing. 

His body itched for something. Something that he didn’t want to admit. He hadn’t done it in so long and Gon would be  _ so  _ disappointed, so he didn’t. However, the urge was almost unbearable. He felt like he might die if he didn’t. Fuck he  _ needed  _ to. He knew he couldn’t. He was so stupid he couldn’t. He couldn’t, it’s not that hard just  _ don’t. _ Why is it so hard to just be? To exist? 

To  _ live.  _

He pulled up his sleeves and stared at old scars. Some of them were older than others. It would be so easy to just rip them open. He couldn’t. He promised he wouldn’t to the only person he cared about. The person who put up with someone like him. The person who continued to reassure and comfort him. Why would Gon go to all that trouble when he was so broken and he wasn’t fixing? 

He scratched helplessly at old scars and watched as they opened up once more. Small trails of red blood ran down his arms. He continued to inflict pain upon himself until he felt like he could breathe again. He was admittedly a bit horrified when he looked down at his arms. 

_ What did he do _ ?

He couldn’t suppress a pitiful sob from escaping as he stared down at his malled arms. God, how weak could he be resorting to this? What would Gon think of him now? He promised that he wouldn’t. He was so pathetic that he couldn’t even keep his promise. He continued to sob miserably. He was weak and pathetic, worthless, unloveable, broken, disgusting. He brought his hands over his mouth in an attempt to stifle the noise of his pitiful cries, but it was too late. 

He heard hurried footsteps approaching his room and the door opened. Gon was standing in the doorway. When he caught sight of Killua, he immediately looked worried, but worst of all was when he saw his arms. 

Now Gon really knew how worthless he was.   
  


* * *

  
Gon opened his eyes as he heard a faint sound. His room was dark and shadowy. It was probably a much too early time to be awake. He sleepily sat up in bed, checking the time. 

3:06 am

It was much too early to be awake. Maybe, he had just imagined the noise. He was about to go back to sleep when he heard it again. He wasn’t sure what it was a first, but it seemed to be coming from somewhere in the house. He stayed quiet and listened until he heard it again and was able to recognize it this time.  _ Killua. _

It didn’t take him much time to get to Killua’s room, considering it was almost directly next to his. It was very dark in the hall and it would’ve been hard to navigate his way if he wasn’t so familiar with these halls. He tried his best not to be too loud. Waking up Alluka might make things a lot worse. He didn’t waste time by knocking and opened to door to Killua’s room. 

Killua’s head snapped up to look at him and he could tell something was very wrong. Killua’s eyes were bloodshot and tears were running down his cheeks. The room was illuminated by pale moonlight, so it was easy enough to see. Killua was sitting up in bed anxiously rocking himself in place. The next thing Gon noticed was his arms.  _ Oh god, his arms. _ Killua looked away in shame and pulled his knees closer to his chest. 

He walked over to the bed and hesitantly sat down. He wasn’t exactly sure how to go about this. He needed to take care of Killua’s wounds, but he wasn’t sure if he should do that when he was in such a state. 

“Can I touch you?” When Killua was like this, it was best to ask before initiating physical contact. Killua hesitated a second and then nodded. He took the chance to pry Killuas legs away from him. When Killua didn’t panic, he wrapped his arms around him and began hugging him. At first, Killua tensed up but then softened into the hug. 

Killua buried his face into Gon’s chest and cried. He’s not sure for how long. Something had happened and Killua fell off the deep end again. Killua had made a lot of progress lately. He’d been having fewer bad days and episodes. Things like this were expected to happen. Gon knows that he has to be patient, that people don’t just heal magically. He was almost sure Killua didn’t understand this. Killua thought he could magically heal. He ridiculed himself for not being ok and it hurt Gon to know that. 

As much as he wished things could just be ok, that wasn’t how it worked. Killua  _ wasn’t  _ ok. That didn’t mean he was any less, but it was something painful he had to deal with. For now, the only thing he could let him do was cry. He wanted to let him feel. 

“It’s ok Killua. It’s gonna be ok alright?” He tried to soothe him, but Killua began crying harder and his breathing picked up pace. Fuck he said something wrong. 

“I-I’m sorry.” Killua cried in between frantic breaths. “I’m sorry that you have to put up with me when I’m like this. I’m sorry I’m like this at all. That I can’t just be normal-” 

“Killua, I swear it’s ok. I’m not mad or upset or anything, your not a burden. I want to help you. Take deep breaths.” he tried to help, but it was useless. Killua was spiralling now, full-on hyperventilating. He needed to ground him. 

“Can you hear me Killua?” he got no clear response. Killua was frantically rocking back and forth with his eyes squeezed shut. His breathing was out of control and erotic, but he seemed to be trying to control it. 

“Can you tell me five things you can see?” Killua opened his eyes. After a while, he began speaking. 

“U-um you, the wind-window, t-the bed, my-my pants, a-and the floor.” Killua managed to name five things in between quick breaths. 

“Ok, so now are four things you can feel?” Killua closed his eyes once more. “The bl-blankets, my shirt, your h-hands, and you-your pyjam-as.” 

“Ok, now three things you can hear?”

“Your voice, the wind, a-and my breathing.” 

“And two things you can smell?” 

Killua breathed deeply for a moment and finally opened his eyes. “I can’t smell anything.” 

Gon sighed at Killua being brought back to the present and once again hugged him. Killua hugged back this time. They stayed like that for a while before Gon pulled back. Unfortunately, this part needed to be done. He got up from the bed and motioned towards Killua’s arms.

“We should go clean those up.” Killua looked guilty again but nodded and allowed himself to be helped up by Gon. They then walked into the bathroom and got to work.

* * *

There was something surreal about sitting on the bathroom floor with Gon at four in the morning while he cleaned and bandaged his arms. Part of him felt bad about making Gon do this for him, but the other part reminded him that Gon didn't mind. That he couldn’t help the way he thought. He knew this all very well. He just got much too caught up to think logically before. 

He still wasn’t feeling very peachy. He was too exhausted to keep panicking, so he just let Gon do what he needed to do. The floor under him felt cold. He ran his hands up and down the tiles and closed his eyes, focusing on the smooth texture. The stuff Gon was doing stung a little bit, but it was fine. Grounding, if anything. Eventually, Gon had finished with his arms and got a new pair of clothes for Killua to change into. Gon left the bathroom while Killua changed and then came back in shortly after. 

They both opted to sit back down on the cold floor. They just sat there for a bit, not talking. It wasn’t awkward. It was a nice kind of quiet. Not the kind where he got lost in bad thoughts or grew uncomfortable but the kind where he just didn’t think. The kind where just let himself  _ be  _ and  _ exist.  _

The sun was starting to rise now and he felt slightly guilty for making Gon lose his sleep. 

“Killua, are you up to doing something?” Gon asked and smiled warmly at him. He absolutely melted under his smile. Gon made him feel so warm and safe. He would do anything to keep him smiling like that forever. 

“Like what?” as soon as he asked the question, Gon stood up from the floor and helped Killua up. He was still a bit shaky from the events that night and was a bit dizzy as he stood, but Gon supported him. 

“Come with me.” Gon took Killua’s hand and guided him down the halls of their home. They passed Alluka’s room. She was probably still sleeping like any sane person. They walked through the front doors and into the backyard. 

“Why outside?” Killua questioned, genuinely confused. 

Gon didn’t answer his question and instead went into their tiny shed and emerged carrying a large ladder. He brought the ladder up and laid it against the side of their house. He then proceeded to climb it all the way to the roof. 

“Your insane.”

“Come on Killua! That’s mean.” Gon fake pouted. “Come up here with me!” 

He carefully placed his foot on the first step and when it held his weight, he began climbing. When he made it onto the roof Gon was  _ lying down _ . 

“Why the fuck are you lying down on the roof? Do you know how dirty this is?” He loved Gon, but he could be dense sometimes. 

“Come on Killua, come beside me It’s fine.”

He carefully laid down beside Gon and looked up at the sky. It was stunning. Orange, pinks and yellows mixed in the sky. He could see the small sun peaking out under the colours getting ready to rise for the day. It was a truly beautiful sight, but he would never let himself admit that to Gon.

“Were gonna get rabies, you know.”

“Totally fucking worth it”

He laughed for no real reason at all. Soon Gon was laughing too and now they were both just laughing idiots lying on the roof at five in the morning. He wished they could stay longer, but Alluka would be awake soon and would worry if they weren’t in the house.

Some nights were worse than others, but it was ok as long as they were together. As far as Killua was concerned, that would be forever. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading <3 I seriously never expected myself to make this I just got the idea and then wrote it all in one very sleep deprived night. 
> 
> I appreciate any feedback !! Thanks so much for taking the time to read this again and how a great day/night


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